I started a blog a couple of days ago that I fully intended to finish today. It was starting out as my usual blogs do: I- love- my- kids- to- bits- and -pieces type deal. But I find myself snapping at the kids, at the dog, fully annoyed with every little thing. And seriously, I mean every. little. thing. I saw an ant crawling in my bathroom and wished that it was big enough for me to pick it up and throw it across the room. Squishing it simply wasn’t good enough.
Days like this I wish I didn’t have the kids around. I intentionally push them away. I don’t want hugs. I don’t want kisses. I don’t want to play. I don’t want to encourage or help. Days like this, I want to crawl into the bed and cry. And I hate crying.
Days like this I stomp around, throw tantrums and am a thoroughly illogical individual. Not a good example for my kids, I know. Just a minute ago as I was raging through the house, my seven-year-old son comes up to me and with these big doe eyes watering up and bottom lip quivering says to me, “I don’t like it when you’re in a bad mood, Mommy.”
I tell him, “I’m sorry. I don’t like it when I’m in a bad mood either.”
My second oldest daughter pipes up, “I understand, Mommy. I have days like that too.” (I’d imagine hers are starting to get more frequent, as she’s a pre-teen).
The seven-year-old asks, “What can I do to help you feel better?”
Thing is, nobody has really done anything wrong to me. I’m just in a bad mood. So, I tell him that I may need some space and that the best thing he can do is obey. He tells me okay, and that he’ll help with Moo (the youngest) and he loves me. Wow. If that doesn’t hit you in the feels… And the worst part about it is, it didn’t make me feel better. Now I feel guilty, like a bad mom, on top of being in a bad mood (which just so happens to make me in a worse mood).
So now, I’m sitting here writing, the kids are outside playing, I’m enjoying a glass of wine, and my littlest has crawled into my lap and is snuggling me. Despite my frown, despite my yelling at him because he picked up dog poo with his bare hands and immediately tried to eat his snack without washing his hands (he was only trying to help clean it up, mommy!), despite my near mental break-down, he is still loving on me. He runs his hands along my cheek and nuzzles into my neck. There’s still that super annoyed/overly emotional part of me that really wants to push him off my lap at the moment, but a bigger part of me enjoys these snuggles way too much. I’m not writing this blog to say anything particular. It’s more because writing is a place of release for me. But, if you’re reading this and you want to take something away from it, take this:
- Don’t beat yourself up for the bad days. We all have them. Try doing something you know helps you destress (like writing) or taking a time out (just like you would give your kids).
- Be honest with yourself and your kids. If you’re in a bad mood, just tell them so. Tell them up front and you may preempt a lot of heartache. They’re probably going to be more understanding than you think.
- Despite your bad days, your kids still love you. They forgive and forget way easier than adults do.
- And some days, it’s okay to live off a little wine.